Finding you, Finding me
When I received the letter in the mail about a month ago I couldnt believe it. The picture that came with the letter showed a face that looked identical to my other daughter. Getting pregnant at the age of 15 was not something that I’d expected. When the doctor told me that it was twins that changed things even more. Momma had agreed to let me keep one of the babies and raise it with a little help from her, or should I say little to no help from her. She told me that I’d have to give one of the babies up for adoption. “Thats when you send one of your babies to live with another family.” Momma said. I knew what it meant. I may have only been 15 but I knew more than she did. For the next few months I learned everything from cooking to cleaning to feeding a baby and changing diapers. Momma woke me up every hour of the night screaming at me so that I’d get used to a crying baby. I hoped to the lord above that I didn’t hate this baby as much as I hated my momma.
When the day came for me to have the babies, Momma dropped me off at the hospital. I had an uneasy feeling in my belly, and it was not just the giving birth kind. Dr. Bean asked me if I wanted to choose the baby I wanted to keep. I told him that he should choose as long as I kept a little girl. I said to take the other baby away fast so that I didn’t see it. He did. I overheard one of the nurses say that I had two healthy baby girls. I was taking one home, but I’d never stop looking for my other little girl.
Note: This is a new fiction story that I am thinking about extending. Thoughts?
It was done for Trifecta writing.
UNEASY
1: causing physical or mental discomfort
2: not easy : difficult
3: marked by lack of ease : awkward, embarrassed
Please remember:
Your response must be between 33 and 333 words.
You must use the 3rd definition of the given word in your post.
The word itself needs to be included in your response.
You may not use a variation of the word; it needs to be exactly as stated above.
Only one entry per writer.
Have fun!
This week’s word is uneasy.
MY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT ARE AS FOLLOWS 
wow, that was gut wrenching. I like the plain language of Momma. well done
Sophie’s choice at a whole nother level. A couple of thoughts.
1) To make the adoption system this malleable, you need to set it clearly in an earlier era. I suspect that’s what you’ve already done, but it’s not completely obvious.
2) I don’t think Mom needs to tell her what adoption is. I know you’re using that to illustrate something about the mother, rather than the daughter, but you’ve shown the Mom so clearly elsewhere that it feels OK without that extra detail.
3) You start with the young mother being 15+18 years old (uh, math with Jessie, that would be a subject worthy of reality TV) , but you don’t have room to come back to her at that age in this piece. Thus, it feels unfinished when she ends up hoping she doesn’t hate her baby as much as her Mama. (Who NEEDS some hate OMG)
Thanks. I will remember your notes when I work on expanding the story. Thanks for reading.
You were right about the age thing. I took that first line out. Thanks!
Oh yes, very inviting to read. I thought I was reading a factual account, and not a non-fiction… Very clearly written. Well done to you..
Thank you so much. Im glad you liked it.
I absolutely think you should expand on this. It’s a sad, but intriguing story.
This is just a silly thing, but there was one instance where “Momma” was spelled “Mama”. (This sentence: Thats when you send one of your babies to live with another family.” Mama said.”)
I hope you post more of the story if you do decide to continue writing it!
Thank you. I fixed that line. I am going to expand it soon! Thanks for reading.
So very sad and I, too, like the simple language of this. It does remind me of Sophie’s Choice which is one of my favorite movies ever. Would be interested to know what comes after…
Thank you Gina. I am going to continue this soon.
What a horrible decision to force on a teenager! Poor thing. I feel terrible for her! I likes the plain language, which conveyed so much emotion in few words.
Thanks Tina.
Wow, Deana, this is told so simply and honestly that it has no choice but to be excruciating. My heart breaks for this little girl, and for the baby she is giving up. All of the comments you have received are on target.
Please write more of this story, it reads like non-fiction.
Beautiful.
Thank you! I am so glad that you liked it!
I love the changes you made. It’s a perfect piece.
Thanks
It is beautifully narrated.
Thank you!
I liked it, and would like to read more – especially about Momma (and possibly her mother as well), to find out her motivations, what “makes her tick.” I also liked the tone of this – I’m guessing it’s placed somewhere in the south?
I think I wrote it in a southern accent. Well in my head anyway. Thanks for reading.
Absolutely would love to see you extend the story. Nicely done!
Thanks so much!
I really like the voice of the narrator – it feels genuine, to the point where it took me a moment to realize that this was fiction, not memoir! 🙂
wow! What a great comment. Thank you so much!
I have to say, I was relieved when I realized it was fiction after all. 🙂
Really good, really sad story.
Thank you so much for reading!
I like this a lot and would enjoy reading more. One suggestion: To make it more powerful; more “in the moment”, show her opening the letter and seeing the picture. I want to live through that with her. Then give us the background. I’d love to see her daughter’s reaction as well.
Great suggestion. I will bring those thing into the story. Thank you for reading.
That was really good. I would love to read more based on this as an excerpt.
Thank you so much!
ouch.. I really felt for you.
Thankfully it wasnt me! Thanks for reading.
This was such a powerful story !!!
Thanks! I am excited to write more.
I would love to read more of this.
Great! I am going to start writing it this weekend.
Thanks for linking up with Trifecta this week! Like the others, I think the strength of this piece lies in the simplicity of its language. Honest and straight-forward-I like that. Hope you’ll come back for the weekend challenge.
Thank you so much. I enjoyed this prompt.
Harsh but well written. Nice job!
Thank you very much!
I hate to think about all the of girls who have had to live this in the real world too! Very nice job Deanabo!
I agree! To many young girls go through so much pain. Thanks for reading
this has potential to be a fabulous, heart wrenching story. Can’t wait to see where you take it!
Thank you Carrie!
I definitely can see this as a longer piece, especially if you set it up with the back story of the adoption and then use the arrival of the photo as the inciting incident. Nice job!
Thanks Brian! I am excited to start writing more of it.
That has got the setup for a heck of a story; so many places you could go with it!
Thanks Annabelle.
Well done, Bo! This yanked at my heartstrings as a mother. I couldn’t imagine choosing. I can see you developing this into a longer piece, too. Well done!
Thank you Mel. I am looking forward to writing more!
Sad story, nicely told. I want to know what happens next. You’ve set it up for us very well. It reminded me of Sophie’s Choice as well. Heartbreaking, cruel, tense. Great characters that you can take in many different directions.
Thank you very much Stephanie!
Really beautiful and heartbreaking. For a moment I thought this was memoir rather than fiction. I was particularly struck by the phrase, “I hoped to the lord above that I didn’t hate this baby as much as I hated my momma.”
The voice is very genuine. I’d love to read more about what happens after she gets the letter.
Thank you so much for reading! Im glad you liked it!
oh oh! How painful. This one made my knees buckle and my eyes mist. It is just unimaginably painful. And so beautifully written. 🙂
Thank you for such a nice compliment!