MY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT ARE AS FOLLOWS

My truth. My life.

A first for first days

I didn’t think that today would affect me like it has.  Although it is only 6:45 in the morning I have already went through as many emotions as I usually go through in a week combined.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Today was the first time that I did not request to be off work the morning of the first day of school.  The first time in 13 years.  I knew I had to work today and I would have rather been home when Carly got off the bus so that I could hear all about her first day, so I agreed to work the early shift and let all my coworkers enjoy their day of morning firsts.

My alarm went off and I got up.  Brushed my teeth, showered and fixed myself enough to get to work without having people scream from the fear of looking at me.  (I have to be at work at 6:30am, what do people expect.)  Things were quiet in my house.  After feeding the dog I looked at Carly’s book bag and made sure she had everything she needed for the first day of 4th grade.  I knew she would have such a good day.  Well, Except for the fact that she told me that “My teacher is to happy, I can’t deal with that so early in the morning.”. Yeah, my 9-year-old sweet heart said that.

Looking at the clock I realized I had to rush if I wanted to stop and grab a biscuit on the way to work.  I grabbed my purse, ran out the door, dug out my keys and then stopped dead in my tracks.

Why? I’ll tell you….

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

I know I keep saying that.  Its easier for me to say that then whats really going through my head.  After about 7 minutes I realized that I was still standing in the same place, frozen.  Staring.  Her car was there.  Just sitting there like it had no place to be.  I wiped the over abundance of tears from my mascara stained eyes and walked over to her car.

Then (this is a secret between us.) I began talking to her car.  I told it that I needed her to not be 18.  I needed her to get her kindergarten going rear end out of bed and get ready for the bus.

Next thing you know I was remembering the first day of kindergarten.  She had on this cute blue shirt and her new blue jean shorts.  Her long blonde hair was in a pony tail and she proudly put her back pack on.  She insisted on riding the bus because all the big kids did it.  I watched to go.  I cried.  Much like I am crying now.

Believe me, the tears have A LOT of pride in them. They also have a lot of regret. I regret not doing enough.  I didn’t have time to tell her I love her enough.  We didn’t do enough fun things together.

Does she know I love her?

So I guess what I am trying to say is..

TODAY MY BABY IS NOT A BABY ANYMORE.

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