missing love
08 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in my story
Hi Everyone, This is a story that I have been working on. I would love thoughts and comments on it. Thanks
It had been almost 20 years since that awful day that she would never forget. The fliers, the endless searches, the milk cartons, nothing seemed to help her.
“Eileen, come on. I want you to see this piece.” The annual art show was was one of her favorite outings. Something she looked forward to. All of the proceeds of the show went to the children shelter she volunteered at.
“Eileen? What’s your obsession with that piece?”
It took me a while to gather up the words, the strength to talk. “That girl in this painting. Thats her. Emily. My daughter…..” I dont remember much else that happened that day.
It was mid afternoon 3 days after the art show that I entered her office. I had finally worked up the courage to meet with her. The one who perfectly captured my missing daughters face. The art she displayed was breathtaking, proving that she had a true rare talent. A talent very similar to my own mother. “I hear you are interested in one of my pieces?” I turned slowly to see who had spoken. Her voice sounded so familar that it took me off gaurd. I wasnt prepared for this. It took me a moment but somehow I gained the courage to look at her. I found myself looking directly into her eyes. I felt as though I was staring into a mirror. One of those mirrors that made you look 20 years younger. I looked at her, then looked at the door. I looked back at her and then turned and walked out, frightened as to what this meant.
I returned to my condo and locked the doors. I felt my stomach rumbling letting me know that I needed to eat something. I knew that if I dared to put food to my mouth, my nerves would not allow it to stay down. I turned off all of my lights, and turned on my television. Hidden under my bed was a box that I had not allowed myself to look at for years. It was time. I dusted off the top, took the key out of my dresser and unlocked it. I placed the tape in the vcr and watched the movies of my beautiful baby girl playing with her toys, looking up at me calling my name. “mamma” Sleeping that night was not an option.
I found myself parked on the corner street in front of her gallery. The same place I have found myself almost everyday since I left her office weeks ago. I waited patiently just to have a glimpse of her. I have had ample opportunity to walk in there, confront her and tell her the truth. My truth. She was mine. My past, My future, My heart and My life. She was my daughter.
The sound of rain was interrupted by a knock. Startled into reality from another daydream, I turned. “Mam, Why are you following me?” “Who are you?”
I felt my head spinning as I started to speak. Trying to find the right words to say at this very wrong time felt impossible. She asked again. “Who are you?” I managed to whisper. “Im sorry to worry you. You remind me of someone I lost 20 years ago. My.. “ She interrupted me politely. “Mam, You look like you are going to be sick.” I guess its a myth that if you truly love someone you can tell them anything. I couldnt seem to make my head, heart and mouth connect. Now was my chance, and Im blowing it.
Hi ho, hi ho it’s back to work I go
08 Feb 2012 6 Comments
in just stuff, Really People??
Everyday I work with people. Sometimes people are nice, Most of the time people are not nice. About 16 yrs ago I took a job at a vet’s office. I did this so that I would not have to work with people. I was wrong. It seems that since animals can’t talk, the people talk for them.
I usually start the day off by getting yelled at. It’s usually because the client is running late, and I am having to make them talk to me and actually tell me why they are dropping their furry family member off at my place of business. When you take your child to the Dr. do you just drop them off at the front door? At least they can talk.
My favorite quote of the day is “I looked it up on the internet”. DO NOT LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET. I can assure you that I could look a cold up on the internet and have proof that I am dying tonight at 8pm. A few weeks ago a woman told me her dog had Cholera. It did not.
Another favorite is when people complain that we are not open for drop off or pick up on Sunday’s or major holidays. It seems only fair that I should have to work on these days to make your days off more convenient for you. Oh and, we have a closing time for a reason. Dont get mad when you show up 1 hour passed closing and we are no longer there.
If im being honest let me just say, I love it when you lie to me. When you are in a room with a Dr. and you ok giving the shots. You then see the Dr give the shots. Please, come to my desk and tell me that you never approved giving the shots. It makes me giggle with joy.
I am adding a link to a blog I did last year regarding people as well. http://wp.me/p1Jvg1-1f I happen to think it’s really informative on how to act.
I said all of that to say this. I have been off work for 4 days. I was hoping it would help me relax so that I could look forward to going back tomorrow. The only thing being off accomplished was making me want to stay home longer..
Thanks for reading my rant.
stealing decisions
06 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in family
Its hard enough to make tough decisions on your own. When tough decisions are taken out of your hands and made for you, it can break your heart.
7 years ago when I gave birth to our last child, I had scheduled to have my tubes tied. It was a decision that didn’t come easy. I over talked it to death with family and my Dr’s. I cried and prayed and finally decided that was my final answer. My delivery was easy, God had gifted me with yet another precious baby girl. After delivery, they placed my 8lb 7oz baby in my arms and I knew. I looked at the Dr and I said “I can’t do it, I cant risk the chance of not being able to have another one” I knew at the time that I didn’t want to have another one, yet I liked knowing that I could change my mind.
Not to long after I had her, I started to get really sick. I went to Dr after Dr with no results. The ran blood work and nothing came back. I went to the emergency room once a week and realized that they eventually started giving me sugar pills to help my “pain”. I was hurting. The Dr’s told me that I wasnt. Eventually one of the ER Dr’s told me that my lower abdominal pain was coming from my Gahl Bladder. The immediately removed it. You will never guess what happened next, the pain came back.
I scheduled an appointment at yet another Dr. I drove 20 minutes away to Dacula. I walked into the office in which I thought I had an appointment. It turned out that I was in the wrong office. The nurse asked me what was going on and immediately put me in a room. That was the day I met the Dr that saved my life. Dr. Gerber ran some test and delivered to me the news. At the age of 31, I needed a partial hysterectomy. My heart broke. After the surgery I started to get better, then I got worse. Dr. G completed to hysterectomy removing the rest. After the surgery he told me my insides were so infected and filled with endometriosis that it could have killed me.
I have been well and healthy for 2.5 years.
This morning, I had an experience that I have had many times in the past, and I am sure that I will have many more times. Sitting in the Dr’s office for my yearly checkup I saw many new expectant mothers and fathers. My heart was filled with joy for them, yet breaking into little pieces at the same time. God blessed me with 3 amazing daughters, and 2 amazing pregnancies. My only regret is that I couldn’t give my husband one more precious angel.
I am sure that my heart will continue to break over this.. I just wish I knew how to make it heal…..
Happy Birthday Lance
09 Sep 2011 6 Comments
in family
Tomorrow, September 10th, is my husbands birthday. His birthday falls right in the middle 2 of our daughters birthdays. Lyla’s is Aug. 30th and Carly’s is Sept. 12th. Every year I try to make his birthday special. Every year, something happens and plans change. Last year, I got him tickets to see Slash and he had to go out-of-town for work. Although my intentions are good, it never seems to work out.
I love my husband. He is the greatest man I have ever met. He is an amazing father. Our girls are very lucky. This year on his birthday we will sleep in, take him to breakfast, and then take the girls shopping to spend their birthday money. With our mixed family schedules, timing is just bad. I wanted to do something special to show him how much we appreciate him.
I love you Lance……
1. What is something dad always says to you?
L- I love you, have a great day C- I love you
2. What makes dad happy?
L- doing nice things for him C- Huggies and kisses
3. What makes dad sad?
L- not behaving or crying over flip-flops C- when I don’t pay attention and walk right past him when he wants a hug
4. How does your dad make you laugh?
L- she says awesome funny stuff C- his bumble bee dance
5. What was your dad like as a child?
L- he read comics C- he played with super heroes
6. How old is your dad?
L- 41 right? C- yes
7. How tall is your dad?
L- 6’2 C- 25 feet
8. What is his favorite thing to do?
L- listen to music C- play guitar
9. What does your dad do when you are not home?
both- who knows
10.If your dad becomes famous, what will it be for?
both – playing guitar
11. What is your dad really good at?
L- taking care of us C- playing and being nice
12. What is your dad not good at?
both- he’s good at everything
13.what does your dad do for a job?
L- Builds towers in many different places C- yeah that
14.What is your dad’s favorite food?
L- hamburgers C- sushi and my mac and cheese
15.What makes you proud of your dad?
L- he watches out for us C- he’s sweet and gives good hugs and kisses
16. If your dad were a cartoon character, who would he be?
L- timmy turner C- scooby doo
17. what do you and your dad do together?
L- we went to that paint thing that time C- go to the movies
18. How are you and your dad the same?
L- we like mac and cheese C- we like hamburgers
19. How are you and your dad different?
L- he has brown eyes and I have blue C- he likes sushi and I don’t
20. How do you know your dad loves you?
L- he takes really good care of me C- the huggies
21. What does your dad like most about your mom?
Both- he loves her
22. Where is your dad’s favorite place to go
L- waffle house C- the gym
Day 8 of Deana’s Dumbness: Sweat
07 Sep 2011 6 Comments
in just stuff
Um.. No thank you. I’d rather not.
unfortunately sweating is something I do a lot of.
Let me start from the beginning. In early 2007 I developed severe pain in my lower stomach. It was a constant sharp pain. I went to my Ob and had an ultrasound. It turned out that my ovaries were covered in cysts. The Dr. did a blood work up (which was normal) and sent me home with pain meds. Several days later the pain was just as bad. It was late in the evening and my Dr. was closed. I went to the Er and had more test run. I was told that I did have some cysts but that was not causing the pain. I was told “Cyst’s on your ovaries do not hurt”. The gave me something for the pain and sent me home. The next day I went back to the Dr. Once again, I was told “Cyst’s on your ovaries do not hurt”. I was given more pain meds and sent home. I stayed on pain meds for about 1 month with no relief.
Then one night, the pain was unbearable. I went back the Er for the 5th time in a month. The Dr. gave me something for pain in the hospital and then sent me home with a different prescription to try. The pharmacist asked me the next day why the Dr. had prescribed me “sugar pills”. I was angry! I was not a drug junkie I just wanted to stop hurting. I went to my Ob the next day and demanded to be helped. He ordered a full body scan. The found that I had gallstones. They explained to me that this was what has been causing my pain. I very nicely explained to them that I did not think that my gallbladder that is located in my upper side is causing me cramping like pain in my lower stomach area. They disagreed. They sent me directly to the hospital and removed my gallbladder. I was told by the surgeon that I had the most infected gallbladder he had ever seen. I was in bed for 2 weeks after the surgery on a lot of pain meds.
I know that you will be surprised to learn (as I was) that when I started tapering off of my pain meds the pain in my lower stomach came back worse than ever. I called my Dr and he said that there was nothing wrong with me. I still had some cysts but that would pass without causing me pain. The next day I scheduled an immediate Dr. appointment with A new Dr. office. He told me that he wanted to do an exploratory surgery and see what was going on. Upon his exploration he found that my uterus, ovaries and every other involved organ had been taken over by endometriosis. He did a partial hysterectomy removing my ovaries. I had the most infected ovaries he had ever seen. I chose to keep my uterus as long as possible so that I didn’t go through early menopause.
1 year later I doubled over in pain at work. Out came everything else. Dr. G told me that everything was so infected that if it had stayed in me much longer it would have killed me. Yet all this time, my blood work was normal.
I chose not to take any hormone replacements. So I sweat a lot….. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Day 7 of Deana’s Dumbness:share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well
05 Sep 2011 4 Comments
in just stuff
Hmmm. Let me think… Is there something I can’t do well?
Where do I start.. It would take less time to list the things I can do well.
I think I have to hardest time at losing weight. My biggest problem with losing weight is my love of food. Hello my name is Deana and I LOVE food. I love all food. My hubby makes fun of me saying I am the only chef he knows that actually eats Taco Bell. I guess I could be described as an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, mad, bored, sad, and excited. I love to cook for my family. It makes me happy to see them enjoy my creations.
As you can imagine, the love of food does not help with weight loss. I wish I had the time and energy to work out with my husband every day. I don’t. I wish I could eat lettuce for every meal. Gross.. There are some healthy dishes that I make that are good. The fact is, its expensive to cook healthy. I am feeding a family of 5 and it’s just not economical to cook everything organic. Dont misunderstand. They eat good, just not butterless.
I have taken weight loss meds and they worked. They worked for a month or two. Then they stopped working and I gained the weight back. I guess I’m just not meant to be tiny……. I guess I will go make dinner. We are having stuffed pork chops (stuffed with spinach, prosciutto, and mozzarella cheese) and Parmesan mashed potatoes and broccoli. Do you want to join us?
Day 6 of Deana’s Dumbness: Act girly in a way that you normally wouldn’t
04 Sep 2011 7 Comments
in just stuff
If you know me, You know that I am far from a girly girl. I very rarely get dressed up for anything. Dont get me wrong. I think I look better when I am dressed up, it just takes way to much time and energy. I have other, more important things to do with my time.
My hair usually stays short. It is naturally REALLy curly. My morning routine consists of these easy steps:
1) shower
2) brush teeth
3) apply gel to hair
4) concealer and mascara
I let my hair dry on the way to work. On Occasion, I will straighten it. If I do, I don’t have to wash it for a few days. This is a good thing. My hair is ALWAYS pulled back. Its easy. I wear scrubs to work, that doesnt take a lot of thought.
I know my hubby gets irritated with me. Every time I leave the house (other than work) I am wearing jeans or shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops with a ponytail. I have even figured out how to pull my short hair back.
Today was different. My hubby wanted to take me to a nice lunch. (we are kidless today). I showered, straightened my hair, put all my makeup on. I did wear jeans, but I had on a nice shirt.
I love the way he looks at me………..
this is the usual me (with a little too much sun)
This is me trying to act girly…
Day 5 of Deana’s Dumbness: declare your love for an uncool movie.
18 Aug 2011 3 Comments
in just stuff
If you really know me, you know that I love movies. I currently own about 400 DVD’s. I have watched them all many times.
My favorite movie ever made it Pride and Prejudice. There is something about Jane Austen’s writing that amazes me. She really touches me.
“Laugh as much as you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion”
“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
This Novel and Movie teach us what love an honor should be. Look beyond ourselves to find the part of us that matter. Love ourselves and it wont matter what others think.
Another movie that I absolutely love is Grease 2. I don’t tell a lot of people this.
This movie is the ultimate stupid love story. She wants and dreams for the “bad boy”. When the “good boy” turns bad to be with her, she realizes and it the person she loves and not the “type”. O.k. That was a bunch of nonsense. It was my feeble attempt to explain why I like such an awkward movie… I guess I’ll just chalk it up to being a guilty pleasure!
Day 4 of Deana’s Dumbness: Waste time
15 Aug 2011 5 Comments
in just stuff
There is nothing that I love to do more than be lazy and waste time. unfortunately I don’t have much time to do either. I work full-time and I am a full-time mom and wife. When I do have time to myself, I like to play on the computer. Today, I made time for myself.
I got off work at noon. I had plans to go visit my dad in the hospital, but if I went today my teenager wouldn’t have been able to go. She asked me to wait and go tomorrow. I decided to take advantage of this. I came home, put my jammies on and curled up in bed with my Sudoku book and remote control. No, I didn’t touch the computer. My hubby came home early and we had some quality time together. It is rare that we have alone time.
Later in the afternoon I convinced him to go pick up our youngest from the bus stop. He agreed (tomorrow I have full kid duty while he is out-of-town) I continued to lay in bed until it was time to cook dinner. I needed this break. It was a mental break as well as a physical break.
I recommend that everyone take a day for themselves every once in a while!
Day 3 of Deana’s Dumbness: Eat what you want
14 Aug 2011 6 Comments
in just stuff
Today my challenge was to eat what ever I want. Due to time constraints I chose not to really cook anything. This morning began with one of my favorite breakfast places:
Waffle House.
I indulged myself with a yummy chicken melt plate scattered smothered and covered and a side order of bacon.
at lunch time I realized that I wanted something sweet to eat. We had been gone all morning and again, I didn’t want to cook. I made yummy cinnamon rolls with lemon icing.
I only ate 2, while the kids inhaled them.
For dinner, I still didn’t want to cook. I ate Pizza Bites.
Now I realize that nothing I ate today has any nutritional value. I tried to follow the day “eat what you want”. I should have chosen to do this on a day that I feel like cooking. I would have made my favorite meal of all time.
Chicken Marsala….
I have learned something today. There is a reason that you are not supposed to just eat whatever you want. My tummy is not very happy with me right now…
